Let’s Talk About… Abuse

Abuse is rampant. Contrary to many beliefs, there is no particular “type” of woman who experiences abuse. She comes from every kind of race, ethnicity, culture, socioeconomic level and family background imaginable. Most survivors of abuse minimize their stories and will even say, “I had a wonderful childhood,” as a way to cope with the devastation. This clever maladaptive coping skill helps one survive. I have heard it all: “There is no use crying over spilled milk,” or “We are to press on toward the goal that is set before us and not look back.…” However, abuse is something God takes very, very seriously and my heart breaks to know that we have become a culture that has normalized such behaviors. There are hundreds of accounts of abuse in the Bible, and though we would like to ignore it, dismiss it, or move past it quickly, we need to stare it in the face in order to help our girls be courageous.  Courageous Girls was developed with this in mind.

“Abuse profoundly mars our ability to see ourselves as God designed us: uniquely created in His image. Abuse is doubly damaging as it not only distorts our perception of ourselves but also distorts our perception of God our Creator. The incorrect view of God damages the intimacy He intended for us to enjoy with Him” (Mending The Soul, p. 48). 

Abuse, in its very nature, shames a survivor in such a way that it creates social isolation, distrust of others, and superficial friendships that one keeps at arm’s length. At its core, abuse violates our boundaries and tells us that our needs, feelings, and desires do not matter. Abuse is contrary to the very heart of God and His character.

It is time to recognize what abuse is and stand up against the systemic, cultural distortion around what has become “normal,” and in some cases, even deemed as “healthy” or “good for us.” Abuse may not feel close to home, but we must understand that if we are to link arms with other moms and daughters, chances are good that we will encounter this type of pain. Far too many women and girls are quietly suffering under the silence and shame of present or past abuse; the reality is that it is closer than we think.

Here is the hope. Though we cannot always protect ourselves and our children from the pain we cause one another as humans, we can find resiliency no matter what we have endured. Ultimately, the aftermath determines whether or not we can survive and heal from a trauma we have experienced. When we come around one another physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually to support and encourage each other in safe and secure ways, healing happens. This takes time, and often professional help. If we can wrap ourselves around our daughters and help them know we will walk with them through anything, then their likelihood of engaging pain from a position of strength increases, helping them build resiliency. The greater hope is that we equip our girls to know their value, find their voice and know how to discern safe people from unsafe people. This starts with us moms. 

If you are a Courageous Girls Mom who has found herself in an abusive relationship or inflict these types of behaviors on your own daughter, there is no better time than now to ask for help. (see list below)

We often abuse others out of personal shame and our own stories. Get the help you need today. Your daughter desperately needs you to take action here. Abuse comes in many shapes and sizes, so these basic definitions will not cover the breadth of harm we can inflict on one another. However, it is important to identify and clarify general terms with trauma-informed and Biblically supported definitions. 

Spiritual Abuse: This abusive behavior looks like preoccupation with spiritual authority and obedience, expressing one’s own voice as the voice of God, unspoken rules, public punishment or rejection if one is challenged, maintenance of pretended peace, and a lack of balance in Christian living.

Emotional Abuse: This abusive behavior looks like isolation, control, giving the silent treatment, failure to provide comfort, dismissiveness of emotional needs, lack of presence, permission for a child to use drugs and/or alcohol, abusing others in front of a child, not allowing the victim to have her own thoughts, feelings or actions without control or dominance.

Neglect: This abuse occurs when a minor is not provided with adequate food, clothing, medical care or protection.

Psychological Abuse: These abusive behaviors include verbal aggression, dominance, control, jealous behaviors, insults, put-downs, inconsistencies in expectations, cyber-bullying and power imbalance. This type of abuse uses shame and belittling language to keep the victim feeling powerless. 

Verbal Abuse: This includes behaviors such as puts downs, orders or demands, constant “corrections,” denouncing, ignoring, yelling, insulting, cursing, entitlement and justification to behave the way they do; it can also be constant criticism.

Sexual Abuse: Molestation, sexual assault, rape, and other unwanted sexualizing is very common. A child’s “explorative” behaviors have negative effects and can cause long-term consequences, especially when there is more than a three-year difference in age. Sexual abuses can be classified into the following two types of behaviors:

Overt: Behaviors that include touching of private parts, infliction of pornography, coercion or forcing a victim into sexual activity. It also includes demands for unwanted or bizarre sex acts, treating a victim as a sexual object (one common example of this is interrupting sleep for sex) or exhibiting extreme jealousy. 

Covert: This type of behavior can seem less obvious but is still damaging. Behaviors include demeaning a victim’s body with sexualized jokes, harassment or making unwanted sexual comments; it can also include talking about sexual activity or engaging in an unwanted “romantic” pursuit. 

Physical Abuse: This behavior is anything that involves threats of physical harm, destruction of property (such as breaking down doors, punching walls or throwing things). Physical abuse can also include biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, kicking, pinching, pulling hair, punching, pushing, restraining, scratching, shaking, shoving, slapping, excessively tickling, twisting arms or other extremities, smothering, intentional tripping, or using weapons against another.