Learning to Lean on God - He is always there for me

By: Claire (Courageous Girl, age 13, written in 2020)

This is my story and it starts like this…

I was born to two people who just so happened to also be my parents. Crazy right? Anyway, for a time the three of us lived in Seattle. I grew up in a Jesus-loving environment and when we moved down to  Oregon we quickly found an amazing Church. I would eventually go to preschool there. My brother was born. Life was simple back then. I would go to Preschool, play with my brother and go to church on Sundays. I grew up loving God and never doubting anything. I loved to hear the stories about broken people and them being saved by Jesus - but at the time that's as far as my relationship with him went. I started Kindergarten and I didn’t make any “green light friends”. I remember feeling alone and wanting a real friend. I started Kindergarten and my sister was born. All of a sudden I was moving! We moved to a small town only a few miles away. Moving half-way through the school year was not fun, but I was so happy about starting over. Maybe I will make new friends. We continued to take the long trek to our Church. I kept my Sunday School friends close and loved to be around them. In that little room at church I learned a lot of things. I was loved, I was special and God loves and knows each of us individually. I also learned that Heaven was forever, so whenever I was bored I would try and wrap my head around it. I always got stuck thinking at one point it would end. But Forever is Forever and by overcomplicating it I confused myself and Heaven sounded far off. This is when I started to question my faith. Was God real? Of course he was, right? The question of existence is hard. You have to believe fully and have no doubt in yourself. 

First grade brought new promises. Then one day I met a girl who would later be my best friend. Her mom was starting a thing called Courageous Girls. It changed my life. I had a group of friends who understood me and they were going through the same thing. God is great! He helped me remember him again. To focus on HIM. To fully, with no doubt, believe again.  At a girls conference I learned that you had to accept Jesus into your life. A few days later my name was written in the book of life. My relationship with him was great. We had one-sided conversations and I grew in my faith. God answered my prayers. I had wanted a friend, and I wanted to feel closer to God because even though I knew Him he wasn’t in my life yet. We had to move for me to find a friend that loved me for me, and I had to go to an event to find out about giving God my life, but those prayers were answered! 

We are going to jump ahead to the end of 5th grade. I had glasses so I was instantly thought to be smart and that put a bunch of pressure on me to be amazing academically. I started to feel like I was valued because of my brain power. That is not a good feeling. I felt like I had to please everyone to be accepted.  I was also going through that point of time when you want to cut your own hair. Not knowing how bangs were made, I decided to cut myself some interesting-looking “bangs”'. They made me feel like everybody was looking at me. I mean you can’t just cut the bangs off because then the cycle will just start over. Super embarrassing. Middle school rolled around and it was so weird! I never thought about all of those new people that I would have to meet. I never thought about going from class to class. I loved the freedom but when it came to the halls they were so crowded. I hated being late and that caused so much anxiety. The locker was the worst. I had multiple “problems'' with it. It would be jammed or my backpack strap would be stuck in the locker below me. 

Running from class to class in a jumble of kids still gives me anxiety. My room is my happy place. It is where I go to be alone. It is the most peaceful place ever. It is where it feels truly safe. It makes me happy so that is where I would hide when I felt alone or was super anxious. I wouldn’t come out, and I would spend hours in my room. It started to get unhealthy because my room would become my haven. Sometimes I wouldn’t even come out to do something with my family. I would get mad if someone asked me too many questions and I would run into my room and slam the door. I just needed to hide, be safe and comfortable. Then I found out about FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) gatherings and it was nice to have that “camp high” feeling in the middle of the week. It was something I needed to get me through the week. It was amazing to have a church (by now a new church ), Courageous Girls and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. I had so many things in my life that connected me, but I still was missing something. Then life happened. My grandpa got sick. His heart was failing and we all knew it. Each day that went by, I just hoped he would live. I loved him so much and I was happy that he went home to heaven, but at the same time I felt broken. I felt torn into millions of pieces. The last time I gave him a hug was before my first communion. I wish I would have known because I would have never let go. Now he is with the angels. 

When my grandpa passed away I considered this event in my life to be the turning point. I learned to trust in God even when it is super hard. The summer of 2019 I went to a Church Summer Camp. I met more girls there who made me feel less alone in this world. We all laughed together and enjoyed learning more about God and his forgiveness . We had questions and for the first time ever I read the Bible for fun and to learn - not just because it was what I was supposed to do. I found that God was my friend and that he wanted me to be closer to him. That is when I found my word. Fearless. I love it because it is my word from God. Certainly not me by myself, but through him it is. 

Back to school and I was struggling with my appearance. I started to worry about how other people saw me. I wanted to be noticed but I felt like an outsider when I was trying to fit in. My self confidence plummeted and I continued to look at myself and tell myself I was not special or pretty. Then the world just about ended with the pandemic spreading and that was a scary place to be. Waiting for it to be over and clinging to the promise that it would all be okay, eventually. During this time I had a lot of time to spend with God. The pandemic has really wrecked us as a nation and as a world but God is working to restore broken things - family, relationships and inner peace.

Every night me and God have a conversation. Just getting to “talk” to Him brings me joy. I feel that He is truly listening to me and that makes me feel important. I am learning that I need to wait. I need to be patient and to trust in God's plan for me. I was sitting in FCA flipping through the Bible trying to find something that, well, “spoke to me”, and here is what I found, “Surely God is with you, and there is no other; there is no other god.” Isaiah 45:14. This is my life verse and it reminds me that He is always there for me. He is there for you.