Going Upstream
How to Foster a Committed CG Group in a FOMO, Uncommitted Culture
I have been married to my husband, an avid fly fisherman, for nearly two decades. I have learned a few things about trout, whether I wanted to or not. If you see a trout moving downstream for more than a few seconds, it’s likely injured or dying. Trout are made to move upstream against the current, and those that do are healthy and strong. I think Courageous Girls are like trout. We are made to go against the grain — to grow muscles we are unaware we have so that we can stand firmly like mighty oaks of righteousness in the midst of a hurting world (see Isaiah 61).
When I started my first Courageous Girls group in 2012, the growing trends of surface relationships, lack of commitment, and the rise of FOMO (fear of missing out) felt like currents I did not want my girls to die in. New to Sherwood, Oregon, I was ready to trust God to build a small tribe that could test the status quo. During the first year of our CG gatherings, I remember feeling so vulnerable after each month of Courageous Girls. I expected moms to change their minds, find something better to do, or slowly lose momentum and bail. When I invited everyone back the second year with the hopes of making this “thing” a three year commitment, I was floored when every mom agreed to continue.
Year two was a little harder, as our casual relationships grew on us like a comfortable pair of jeans and conflicts began to naturally emerge. I had MANY conversations with moms about the dynamics between daughters, their own insecurities about being in the group, and the disappointments of unmet expectations. With every conversation, I found myself turning toward God with a deep inhale, and then exhaling His courage back out to continue on. My own conviction in knowing that all healthy relationships are built over a long period of time, through the struggle of conflicts, helped me to gently encourage us all to hold tight to what God was doing through our hesitant commitment to one another. This is was for our girls. And, this was also for the little girl in each of us.
Based on years of experience leading women, I decided to assign each mom a specific month and lesson to facilitate before the CG year even began. Prayerfully considering which CG conversation might be the right fit for each woman to guide, every mom had a place to contribute and to practice courage. You are welcome! This type of intentional preparation has helped every mom know the plan in advance and settle into the pace of our monthly gatherings together. In early Fall, we took a mom and daughter retreat to catapult us into community, offering only what a retreat can do: awkward depth in a confined space and time. The rhythm of our annual retreat continues to bring the needed glue that now holds us together each year as school life picks up and us moms notice a few more gray hairs.
Even better, I invited moms to get away with me mid-year (without our girls) to dig deeper into our own relationships, adding a slow and steady drip of vulnerability between moms. Now, after six years together, we are taking time to write and pray intentional words over every daughter on the morning of her thirteenth birthday. We now have history and are starting to see the ways in which God has ordained our relationships for His purposes and for each of our lives as our daughters quickly move from tweens to teens.
Everyone gets weary at some point during any journey we commit to. Starting is half the battle, but finishing well is the other half. Commitment is an ‘old school’ virtue we are trying to bring back to the next generation. It holds a vital role in EVERY RELATIONSHIP we have in our lives, and is a hidden ingredient in healthy adults. Remember that when a mama wants to cancel a CG gathering, skip a month, or not participate in leading, we indirectly communicate to our daughters that something else is a priority. That is NEVER our heart’s intent when we decide to stay home this month, and yet, our daughters feel a loss. These groups are not for us. They are for her.
In contrast, our daughters feel our love every time we make this special gathering count, and place the scheduled meetings at the top of our priority list in the midst of all the other activities in our lives. And yes, there is ALWAYS grace for the occasional missed gathering, but the pattern of not being consistent speaks loud and clear to our girls. What a simple way to speak deep love and loyalty into our daughters’ souls! To say to them, “Today, our time spent together at CG is more important to me than anyone else or anything else! I want to be with YOU!” It is so important to keep the bigger vision of these CG gatherings in our minds when we start to feel the daily grind of life. Our daughters are worth our time and energy, and these once a month gatherings help her FEEL our love. Play Therapy research tells us that children need to have prioritized, undivided attention on a regular basis in order to believe the words, "I love you.”
Consistency and commitment are two characteristics we are desperately in need of in an attention-deficient culture. The only way to attain them is through time and practice. Courageous Girls was designed to be as little of an effort as possible for a pretty big return. With only one meeting a month, rotating homes, and only leading one gathering a year, CG is doable! Even more, when each mom takes a turn to lead group discussions, we model to all our daughters the power of community, the variety of gifts we bring, and what courage looks like in ordinary moments. It changes a daughter's perspective of her own mom when she sees her leading the way. We have tried to make facilitating a group as simple as reading the curriculum and trusting God to do the rest.
Courageous Girls is not a quick fix, nor is it a clique of best friends. We are not taking short cuts to any unrealistic expectations or overnight miracles, but rather, are leaning into a process of grace and trust in God. God seems to have the habit (see the Bible) of taking broken and not-so-likely candidates in order to use them to change the world. I think Jesus was the only one that really saw the potential in his disciples, so that gives us great hope when we wonder why we are in the groups we are in. Who am I to say that God will not use the women and daughters in each of our groups to transform not only our own lives, but the lives of our families and our communities? I believe all God needs is you and a willing heart. I often see the sign in the corner of the Living Wholehearted Lodge & Retreat that reads, “Shortcuts never lead to anything worth it. Never.” It reminds me to be a like a trout who swims upstream, when I’d rather coast with the flow of the river. Let’s swim beside our daughters and help them learn the ways of the river — let’s lean into the depths of their souls and trust that God created all of us to be strong and courageous!
Written by Terra Mattson, M.A., LMFT, LPC, Co-Founder of Living WholeheartedAuthor of InCourage: Rooted In Grace, www.incouragebook.com
*We are hosting a Courageous Girls Leader’s Training on June 7th. Whether you are a seasoned CG leader or want to start a new group of your own, this half-day workshop will provide you with practical leadership skills to lead your group well. The day will also offer you personal time with founder and author, Terra Mattson, as you gain collective wisdom form other CG leaders and personal refreshment as we gather on five acres of old growth woods at the Living Wholehearted Lodge & Retreat in Sherwood, OR. This personalized workshop has limited space, so register early. Cost is $45 and includes retreat training, materials, lunch and coffee/tea/water. Food allergies are accommodated. Register at http://livingwholehearted.com/events/workshops.